I have to post this now despite not wanting to do anything at all besides take my medication and sleep.
I’m about to make myself really vulnerable, and I’m okay with it. I just need to get this out.
You guys...I feel like an absolute fake.
I feel like I was never “sick” enough. I never “starved” myself during the dark days of my eating disorder. I always ate at least 1000 calories and I didn’t obsessively fast or run miles and I never purged. I know technically my weight was severe but I feel like if I would have starved and obsessively exercised I could have been SICKER. (How messed up is that?)
I feel like a fake because now in my recovery I feel like I’ve developed binge eating disorder. I binge at least 5 nights a week. It’s not extreme hunger…it’s not. I know the difference between the two: I’ve experienced extreme hunger, yes–but now I’m binging.
I feel like a fake because I tell people how to recover but for me it’s not working. I can’t just eat 3000 calories a day, gain weight, and work on mentally recovering. I eat that much in a day and then binge at night, and the cycle repeats. However, despite being disgusting bloated at the end of the day, by the morning it’s like it never happened. How is that possible?
I feel like I’m doing the work to gain weight and since it’s not working people don’t believe me. I’m not overly concerned with the opinions of others–but still, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have something to show for all the emotional and physical work I’m doing? Wouldn’t it be more convincing for me to give advice if I looked the part?
I feel like a fake because an outsider would look at me and think, “Wow, she doesn’t eat.” And in reality, I eat more than anyone I know. I eat more than twice the amount of my boyfriend who is also eating to gain weight, and he is gaining weight.
I feel like a fake because I still struggle SO much with self hate, anxiety, and even a little depression.
I feel like a fake because I’m either very happy or very sad. I have the worst relationship with food and don’t foresee it ever getting better. I don’t necessarily believe in a full recovery but still it would be nice to have some improvement.
I just feel like a fake. I feel awful. I’m sitting here typing this after a massive binge and now all I want to do is pass out. It’s like I need a babysitter to make sure I don’t binge. You know the only two nights I don’t binge are the nights that Jarrett doesn’t work and is hanging out with me? It’s because I don’t want to binge. That’s how I know it’s not extreme hunger–it’s not physiological, it’s very much emotional. I eat to fill voids and I eat until I can’t move.
I just made myself so damn vulnerable and foolish. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s like it’s never-ending. It is never ending.