Rarely do I ever write a post and then hit publish straight away, but I’m about to do that.
(I’m not even going to proofread this so I apologize if my grammar sucks or this makes no sense. I just need a little vent.)
I dealt with extreme hunger after about 3 weeks of hitting 3000 calories at the beginning of my recovery. This extreme hunger lasted a couple of weeks and then went away.
Well, it’s back. Why? I have no idea. I thought my body was past that point but it’s not. I’ve been eating about 3500 calories during the day, and then after dinner eating anywhere from 3000-6000 (I don’t count.)
I don’t know why it’s back but it sucks and it’s hard and it’s triggering. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s absolutely reactive eating and not binging. My body is trying to repair and although it’s been 8 months now almost of eating anywhere from 3000-6000 (and some days more) calories a day, apparently my body is crying out for more again.
This is weird to me. I know that many recovering from anorexia require high amounts of calories but the thing is I haven’t gained a significant amount of weight since the initial gain of about 20 pounds. I’m still a low weight and I still am eating so much and it’s so damn scary when you have to take out your trash can every single morning because it’s filled with cartons of ice cream, wrappers, and empty bags.
It’s scary. I feel disgusting.
I don’t know. I just needed to vent. I just consumed 3500 calories in the past hour in the form of ice cream, Poptarts, granola bars, chocolate, and more. This is a nightly thing for me, too. And it’s SCARY.
But then the next morning I wake up and look the same. And while that’s a relief, it’s also very frustrating. If I’m going to do the work and eat the food I would at least like to get the weight gain over with rather than live with the guilt for so long. You know? I don’t know. On one hand it’s “cool” to eat so much and not gain weight but on the other hand I NEED to gain weight and I feel 5,000 pounds at the end of the day so I almost wish I could just gain the weight back and be done.
Sorry this is such a cluster fudge. I just had to vent a bit. I have been eating so much at night–maybe because I’m gone all day and I finally get to relax at night and so I just eat. I don’t know. I just don’t like extreme hunger. And it’s not like I’m restricting throughout the day! I’m eating like normally (a lot) and this STILL happens. I would rather have the weight come back on and be able to eat normally than deal with this. It would just be easier. And my farts wouldn’t threaten to kill Oscar every night.