Happy Saturday. Today I have a lot of thoughts and a whole lot of word vomit, but I’m going to keep this post short and sweet in attempt to scratch the surface of what I’ve been thinking about.
Jarrett and I have been doing a lot of talking about how I’m currently not very happy, and trying to discover what will make me happy. I tell him I’m not happy and he says, “Well, then just do what’s going to make you happy.” It sounds so simple but it is honestly SO true.
I’ve been thinking about what is going to make me happy. What do I want? Why am I feeling this way? When did I start feeling this way? More importantly: How can I fix it?
While I don’t know the exact answers to any of those questions, I have come to a few conclusions.
My realizations summed up:
I am so sick of working for “The Man.” I thought about the amount of job changes I have made in the past couple of years and I cannot even count them on two hands. I realized that I absolutely HATE working in a conventional, societally “acceptable,” 8-5–or any other way you want to describe it–job. I hate it. I know that it sounds dumb, and that I just sound like another lazy young adult but I promise you it is not that way. I try very hard in everything I do–it’s not like I slack off.
I’m tired of always being held back creatively. I’m tired of always dreading going to work and acting fake and putting on a show that I don’t even believe myself. I’m just tired.
What do I want? I want to work for myself. I want to grow my blog, my YouTube, and my brand. I think about the time that I am the happiest and it is when I’m writing, filming, or working on social networking. It’s what I’m good at, and it’s what I want to do.
But I’m scared. Scared because it’s not “stable” yet. Scared because my parents just shelled out thousands on my education and I’m about to graduate in 4 months with the pressure of hopping into a normal, expected job in that field. Scared because what I want is not what society says is okay to do for a living.
This morning I got a text that I don’t have to go into work today, and I was relieved. Of course, I need the money, but I did not want to go put on my happy mask and put on a fake show for those people and be a robot of society. It’s not how I am. I have the hardest time faking anything and it shows.
What did I do today? I filmed. I’m filming a video for my YouTube channel, and I’m planning a collaboration video with another YouTuber. I also wrote. I applied for online freelancing jobs. I did literally everything that makes me happy and I’m so confident that this is what I want to do.
I realized that I need a change of location. I really desire to move into my own apartment but this lease is not up until December. If I can figure out a way to get out of my house lease now, I am 100% moving to my own apartment. I’m done with roommates and if Jarrett and I are not going to live together yet, I am going to live alone. I have 2 months of alone time this summer and my roommates return very soon for school. In a perfect world, I would get out of my lease, find an appropriate & affordable studio, and get out of here.
That’s just now, though. I desire to leave Reno. As I’ve talked about before this is not likely because of Jarrett’s job. In reality I could pick up and move anywhere come December when I graduate–but I know that love comes above everything else for me, so IF and WHEN the time is right we can move to a new city…together.
I’m happy when I’m eating right and exercising a SMALL amount. (Still no cardio–just weights/stretching) By eating right I mean eating a lot. The times I have anxiety are the times I am not eating to my minimums (3500 AT LEAST) and I realize that. While it’s hard as hell to gain weight (physically and mentally) it has to be a high priority in my life right now.
There are other factors that have played into my sadness, anxiety and uncertainty with my life as of late, but those three are the main ones. I will continue to work at my “societally-accepted, 8-5” job as a safety net until I can make my dreams come true–rather, while I am making my dreams come true. I WILL make my dreams come true. There are no if’s and’s or but’s.
Positive thinking is more powerful than many people realize. I woke up this morning in an awful mood ready for a terrible day to ensue. I actively decided to change that–I cleaned my house, walked Oscar, sold some clothes, filmed a video, and now here I sit planning posts for the week and trying to fix the mess in my brain.
Is it far-fetched to want to make a comfortable living by blogging, doing YouTube, and freelancing? Maybe. But it’s what makes me happy. And I’m chasing my happiness, starting now.
No questions today, just thoughts. (…Please!)