{hey, it’s okay to be sad}

Hello friends, I am alive.

In the physical sense, anyway. For a while there I was so excruciatingly busy that I couldn’t find time to post, and although the past couple days I’ve been busy, I haven’t been AS busy. I obviously still didn’t post… for a couple of reasons.

First off, I’ve been sad. Due to circumstances that I don’t feel the need to explain, I’ve been really, really down. It’s a weird kind of sadness I actually have never felt and even considered that I might be experiencing some situational depression. So for that reason, I haven’t had a lot of physical OR mental energy. I haven’t had energy to put work in at dance, or to focus in class these past few days. I certainly haven’t had energy for things that I don’t absolutely need to do (like vlog or blog) because it’s taking everything I have in me to do the things I NEED to do.

Second, even if I did have the time and motivation to blog I was scared. I was very caught off-guard by this sadness. The first months of my recovery were so overwhelmingly positive (of course, accompanied by the occasional breakdown) that the past few days of sadness have been bewildering, frustrating and intense. I didn’t want to blog or vlog and have to act fake happy, but I also didn’t want to show my sadness. Now I’m realizing that I am just not that way at all. I need to open up to someone, anyone, and why not do it in a way that I love. Writing.

I have been talking through this with my mom as well as boyfriend, but sometimes it’s nice to have outside opinions. I’m SO grateful for all of the countless comments and messages I’ve received in my absence with good vibes, prayers, and well wishes.

The issues I’m facing do not directly relate to my recovery, but I am scared that this sadness is going to derail some of the progress I have made. Not even in an intentional way, like I would intentionally restrict. When I’m sad, I either 1) am nauseous and not hungry whatsoever, or 2) am extremely hungry and binge-like. So far, I’ve been somewhere in the middle where I’m quite hungry at night but don’t have much of an appetite during the day. I do notice an extreme amount of fatigue and tiredness, but that’s mostly related to my lack of good sleep and sleep in general, and just the anxiety and mental work I’ve been having to cope with. (DON’T WORRY, I’M STILL EATING EVERYTHING I NEED TO!)

{in fact, I’m writing this after my doctor’s appointment and I made progress. So, ha. Reassurance.}

Anyway, I guess what I’m realizing is that it’s okay to be sad. As someone who has never struggled with depression (although eating disorders, I think, inevitably carry some of that along in their baggage) it’s been hard for me to deal with this weird sadness the past few days–especially after how great the past few months have truly been. I feel very little motivation and that is the most unusual part of it all. Normally, I’m like DO ALL THE THINGS! But the past few days I’ve been like EH, I DON’T REALLY WANT TO DO ANYTHING BESIDES WATCH MARISSA LACE VLOGS ON YOUTUBE.

But life is ups and downs. Surely my positive streak could not last forever! But that doesn’t mean this negative one will, either.

Even today I feel a bit happier than yesterday. I anticipate this will continue as I get used to my new situation that has come from the events that happened a few days ago. I have a lot of anxiety with change, as most people who struggle with anxiety do, so it honestly is just going to take time until I’m okay. But I’m okay. I’m okay with being sad, for now. 

Sadness won’t last forever, and given that I’m an optimist and someone who is a generally happy human I venture to guess that happiness is well on its way for me.


Updates:

I have been vlogging a bit the past few days and have been debating whether or not to post my footage. It’s not usual, happy, weird footage–but hey, I am be vulnerable; have joy, after all.

Yesterday I also had an incident that prevented me from dancing at my first baseball game. I could have dwelled on that and let it add to my sadness, but I’m over it. There are like 79 more games, and my coach and teammates were completely understanding of my crisis.

As I mentioned above, I made progress at my appointment! My doctor+nutritionist are pretty convinced I’m at or near my ideal body weight. Yes, my BMI is still quite low but it is genetically and personally normal for me to be this way. I don’t think anyone in my family is at that magical 18.5, or even 18, or maybe even 16. Honestly, we’re really small humans.

HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DAAANCER.

Ope, sorry. See, my normal weird self is already coming back after this post.

I registered for my last semester of classes today! I’m only taking two real classes because I only need two more classes to graduate, and then a pilates class and an advanced jazz dance class. I’M SO EXCITED! It should be a fairly low-level of stress for my last semester as a college kid. Holy crap, I’m only 20. What am I doing with my life.

Be sure to enter my SC COOKIE DOUGH GIVEAWAY! If you don’t win today, there will be another opportunity a week from today.

I dyed my hair black…shhh don’t tell my sister because she, as my hairdresser, will kill me if she knows I used a box dye on my precious hair.

I plan on getting back into the blogging groove. I do have a lot with school and dance right now, but there’s always time! Even if I do it at midnight while I lay awake in bed trying to drown out Oscar’s weird snoring and freezing cold house. I will do it! Vlogs will be coming back, as well. I have to remember where I started, and that’s right here.

Thank you for all of the support you have shown me in the past few days! I have received an overwhelming amount of comments, emails, messages, snapchats and even texts from some of my closer interweb friendz. I love you guys.

{a.m.}

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4 thoughts on “{hey, it’s okay to be sad}

  1. First of all, I love reading your posts (even when you are sad). And second, I am so glad you are able to be honest about how you are feeling! I totally agree that it is okay to be sad. We are all humans, and as humans we experience emotions and feelings that aren’t always pleasant. As one of my therapists so rightly pointed out though, unpleasant does not mean bad. I hope you get to feeling better soon, but in the meantime, stay strong and keep fighting. You’re awesome!!

    Bethany

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  2. I’m glad you’re back to blogging your thoughts at least to help you through this hard time. I hope you still post your vlogs to remind us all in recovery that life happens and all you can do is deal with it and work through it.
    Sending you love + prayers.

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  3. You’re fantastic and I hope you start to feel better soon! I’m sending you a big hug and lots of good vibes right about meow. Also, can’t wait to see your new hair! I’m sure it’s amazeballs even if it’s just from a box, cuz girl you just got it like that!

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  4. Thanks for this! My vote is to still publish your Vlogs footage from when you were sad. It makes you more relatable than only showing the good times.
    I totally respect your privacy, but ahhh the nosey part of me is wondering so bad what happened/caused your saddness and inability to dance. I feel like you’re my close friend even though we’re thousands of miles away. 🙂
    Keep on keepin on!
    Hug!

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