Once again, I’m linking up with Amanda for Thinking out Loud Thursday!
First of all, I AM SO TIRED RIGHT NOW. I almost fell asleep in class mid-presentation. I’m not even kidding. I think my lack of sleep for the past few weeks of J’s new work schedule finally hit me today, and I feel like a disaster. Headache, no energy, just BLEH. I was going to take a nap when I got home at 4, but I know I won’t sleep tonight if I do that so I’m sticking it out until I can go to sleep. By the time it’s bedtime I won’t be tired, though. That’s how it goes.
Anyway, here are some of my current thoughts.
1. Yesterday, with the help and O.K. from my lovely mother, I decided to quit seeing my therapist. I have only seen her three times but every time I went I felt like I was taking a giant step backwards mentally. Lately I’ve been happy and fine, but every day I had therapy I left feeling like a wreck. I truly believe I am better off this way. Maybe there is a therapist out there that I will connect with and will really understand me and my complex brain, but she wasn’t that person. She tended to tell me how I “feel” and blame my eating disorder on the lack of having a nurturing mother growing up. If anyone knew me as a little girl, they know that I had freaking separation anxiety from my mom. I was a mama’s girl through & through. I spent all of my time with her and I definitely was nurtured by her–by my dad, too.
Even though my dad worked weekdays I spent loads of time with him on the weekends. He took me to soccer games and we always went on trips and I helped him do yard work. My mom and I went shopping almost on the daily…she took me to elementary school every day, she took me to dance class, piano lessons, soccer practice..I was very, and still am very close with my parents. We had issues when I was a teenager but what teenager doesn’t? I was a brat and I took it out on them. The point is, my parents had nothing to do with my eating disorder and that’s what my therapist is trying to drill into my head. It’s very frustrating. I had a lot of issues with my therapist aside from that, and I now am relieved to not make my parents spend a fortune on something that is detrimental to my recovery.
2. Friends. I have lost a few friends since beginning recovery. Does that mean that recovery is awful and is taking things away from me? Quite the opposite, actually. With my new and improved brain I am seeing people for who they really are. I have realized a lot about my so-called “friends” since I began to recover–and that is that they do not actually have a place in my life. They do not wish the best for me nor do they care about me like I thought they do. That’s a shame, because I have always been a very good friend. I know that for sure. I love and care for my friends a lot and do everything for them. I have a best friend back home in California and I always wish that I could see her more often because she’s the one true friend that I can always count on. Here in Reno, I do have close friends–girls and guys, but the girls are getting fewer and fewer. Once I started recovering I had to spend a lot of time alone and just hanging out at home because that’s all I could do. No one cared to ask how I was doing or made an effort to come hang out with me. And that’s fine, because now I know that those people were only my friend because I used to go out and be crazy with them. As a person, they don’t care about me. That’s fine. It really is. I’m glad to have made these realizations.
3. It’s Spring break! Well, I still have an appointment and 2 meetings tomorrow as well as a shoot for the school news, but I had my last class this afternoon. While I wish I could be on the beach in Cabo with my friend Zoe who invited me, I have to stay in Reno because I have dance practice and a project to work on. I am relieved to not have ten million things going on this next week, though. I need a break. (By Monday I’ll be wishing I was back in school though.)
4. I’ve been maintaining at 92.8 pounds for the past week. I somehow lost 3 pounds because I was at 95…I don’t know how this happened because I haven’t decreased my food, but I do know that I won’t let myself lose anymore. I’ll do whatever I gotta do. I have a hard time wanting to gain more weight because people are commenting on how much bigger my legs are and how I look good now. It’s hard to want to gain more when I already look “good.”
5. It’s Friday the 13th again tomorrow..!! We just had one last month! Hopefully it’s not an unlucky day for you. Or me. Ahhh.
6. I’ve gotten a lot more followers lately both here and on Instagram so if you’re new, hi! You may want to start with “My Story” and work your way up. There’s lots of word vomit to sort through here on Be Vulnerable; Have Joy.
What are you thinkin’ about today?
Do you have any fun Spring Break plans so that I can live vicariously through you?