Good mornin’ and happy Monday! I *should* be in class right now, but I haven’t left California to drive back to Reno yet. I’ll be back this afternoon and I’m quite glad because I miss Reno, as usual. And these hooligans.
This weekend was, I think, just what I needed. Although by Sunday I was ready to be home after only being in California for two days, I think I needed this visit and I’m a bit mentally refreshed now. Here’s a little bit of my weekend at home:
Friday I arrived at my humble abode around 12:00 and I waited for my mom to get home from work and running errands. I ate Chipotle along with half of my kitchen, because holy crap if there’s one thing about coming home it’s THE FOOD. My mom literally hoards food and so we basically have everything you could ever want. All the expensive food that I normally don’t buy at school. Ugh. (Explains why I’ve gained three pounds since being home.)
When she got home, we went to my oldest sister’s house to visit her and my three perfect little nieces. We stayed and talked and I played games with my oldest niece and was accused of “tricking” her during a rousing game of memory. I. Did. NOT.
After a couple hours we headed home to meet my dad and go to the movies. My parents go to the movies at least once a week, so every movie I wanted to see they had already seen. The ONLY option was to see Spongebob. So, we did. And it was disappointing. I love Spongebob but holy crap, that movie was painful. Oh well, I got a large popcorn out of it.
I ate lots more that night (dad’s famous milkshakes ohhhh yeah) and I think I did some homework and then went to sleep.
Saturday morning I had a hair appointment with my second oldest sister in Sacramento. Mom and I woke up early to make it to Starbucks for breakfast sandwiches and green tea lattes before heading to Sac.
My appointment was at 9, and by 11:30 we were leaving. It would have been faster, but since my hormones are all out of whack right now and comin’ in hot, my hair wasn’t taking the color right. It turned super red at first and all the heat zones on my head were a different color than the rest. It was crazy. My sister was like, “Yeah, I expected this to happen but it’s a good thing!” Luckily we got that sorted out and I’m back to black. Red hair is not my thing.
Mom and I then went to Panera for lunch. SO GOOD. Panera, Y U NO IN RENO?!
We went shopping after and I got lots of stuff. I got some pants to wear for now, and a SUPER AMAZING PAIR OF TRUE RELIGIONS for later that are a size 24–they’re too big but they’re my goal pants. Do it for the pants. And the booty, always the booty.
We also went to Target and got food for me to take back along with other random stuff like candles, decorations, makeup and candy because Target has that effect on people.
Then, we came home and I typed up an essay really quick. I thought I had all my work done before I left but it turned out that I did the wrong essay, so I had to do the correct one and turn it in ASAP. Oh well, at least I have the other one done already!
My best friend April came over after that and we basically just laughed for like 6 hours straight because what else is new? We made amazing milkshakes and hung out just like old times. Jeez, I wish she lived in Reno with me. Cry.
We watched old dance show videos and it made me miss dance SO MUCH. I decided to commit to trying out for the Reno Wild Aces this Saturday no matter how much busier I will be just because I miss dance so much. It also made me realize that I looked ten thousand times better when I had a fuller body. I was still smaller than everyone on that stage but I was dang healthy.
By the time she left it was almost midnight, so I showered and went to bed.
Sunday I woke up early again and made breakfast.
…Because we had to leave early to go to Georgetown to my cousin’s church. (Seriously I haven’t gotten more than like 4 hours of sleep in the past two months and I’m dying.) She just got back from serving an LDS mission so we went to hear her speak in church. She’s my favorite person, best friend, biggest inspiration and also the funniest human on the planet. We’ve been extremely close since we were little.
After church we drove home and I worked on MORE homework and ate food. Then my dad made lunch/dinner and I ate more food.
Then after that I ate a lot more food because my extreme hunger has been crazy today. Seriously, like a lot. Two quest bars. Lots of candy. Then, I made a whole batch of cookie dough to make cookies and ended up eating it all.
It’s really scary, but I’m trying to stay calm and hope this passes. I’m in the last leg of my weight gain game and I’m just scared that it won’t ever stop. Logically I know it will, but I’m just scared where I’ll end up. Clearly I’m mentally struggling still with letting go of being underweight and frail, but I’m getting there. Body image is all over the place. Not to mention, my cousin said I “looked chubbier” today and while I know she wasn’t calling me fat I still am in shock because I haven’t been called chubby since I was little and it was a bit of a mind trip.
Anyway, I watched the Oscars with my parents (and Oscar) and ate MORE food because what is my life?
This morning I made breakfast and started to get my stuff together. I have to work on a project involving my sister (I’m filming her for a profile) so once she is ready I’m going to head over to her, shoot that, and then drive home. Yay, driving.
This weekend was emotionally taxing but I honestly needed it. My dad commented on the fact that I looked better and had a butt, but that I was still very thin. My MOM finally told me that I looked better and had made progress. That was amazing to hear because usually her comments are negative. My sisters all said the same, and well, pretty much everyone I saw said the same. I knew this would happen so I tried to mentally prepare myself for it. It’s hard hearing “Oh, you’ve gained weight!” but honestly people don’t realize what they’re saying. To them, it’s a compliment just like a normal person hearing, “Oh, you’ve LOST weight!” To me, it’s anxiety-provoking. It’s alright. It just makes me stronger. It takes a bit more mental work (as if I haven’t been doing enough of that, ha.)
I posted this photo on my personal instagram with the below caption. I had an overwhelming response on it. (Like, 400 likes and over 40 comments. That’s pretty cray for me.) I’m amazed by all the supporters I have out there.
“In honor of national eating disorder awareness week starting tomorrow, and the even more monumental fact that I have gained 22 pounds in under two months, I felt it was time to post this. The girl on the left was hours away from dying. The girl on the left was a measly 73 pounds and 5’6. The girl on the left lived in denial, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. She didn’t have a period for two years, she never slept, she had early onset osteoporosis, anemia, thyroid deficiencies, a heart that (barely) beat 30 times per minute, and a wide array of hormone and nutritional imbalances. She made her family cry tears of sadness and worry when she visited home. Fast forward only SEVEN weeks. That girl on the right laughs. A lot. And she enjoys life. She eats 3500 calories a day and no longer exercises. She is healing her damaged body and mind. She has life in her eyes and a BUTT. She can focus on schoolwork, get excited and prepare for her future because she now knows she has one. She is truly and honestly happy for the first time in almost 3 years, and she’s getting better every day. Yes, it has been quite honestly the most emotionally and physically taxing thing I have ever done. Yes, I still have a LONG way to go mentally, and a little more weight to gain. I’m not scared to talk about my struggles and I’m definitely not ashamed of them. Eating disorders are N-O-T a choice. They are complex psychological diseases that often, and in my case, had nothing to do with losing weight. Next time you say, “Oh my God she looks anorexic,” realize you’re making light of a serious disease that SO many struggle with. I’m amazed at how many people have reached out to me that struggle with eating disorders. That girl on the right has miles to go, but dang she has come so far and thanks God every day for helping her realize that she is worth LIFE. Also shout out to boyfriend for all the food/ensure/ice cream he has bought me and for being my numba 1 support human and shout out to my weiner dog who isn’t a very good therapy dog cause he doesn’t even eat his dog food but he’s still a super cool dog & shout out to YOU for reading my word vomit.”
Well, NEDA week is officially underway and I have a few plans for it. You shall see soon! This week is SUPER busy for me, though, so I’m hoping they don’t get put on the back-burner to all of my other obligations.
How was your weekend?
What’s your favorite thing from Panera?