It’s crazy that it has already (or only?) been two weeks since fully applying the Minnie Maud guidelines. It seems like less because I’ve also been busy, but at the same time it feels like 2 months because of all the food I’ve consumed, weight I’ve gained, and emotions I’ve experienced.
The past couple of days I have really started noticing huge changes in my body that make me very uncomfortable. I am bloated ALL the time, I have one pair of jeans out of like 30 that still semi fits me, and I just feel very lost, gross, big, and yucky most of the time. Luckily, I have school, friends, a puppy and boyfriend to at least momentarily distract me from those negative feelings.
Today, as I reach the 2-week point (and a very common point for relapse due to the physical symptoms), it’s important for me to really reflect on the POSITIVE changes I am noticing.
-Less anxiety. I’ve had one panic attack in the past two weeks, as opposed to the usual nightly one.
-More focus. In school and outside of school.
-Real emotions. I’ve been feeling all the feelings lately and it’s freaking me out. I spent the last 2 1/2 years as a self-proclaimed heartless biotch. I haven’t had emotions because I physically haven’t been able to. Now that I’m back to having emotions, I remember that this is indeed how I was before my eating disorder and I actually quite like it.
-More interest in my passions. I’m so excited for my future lately, and I think that is largely due to the fact that I know for certain I have a future now. Before, I could’ve dropped dead at any moment. I’m glad I was able to begin the process of turning that fate around.
-Better sleep. Sleep in general.
-I’m goofier. More carefree. More me.
-I get to eat lots of good food and be lazy while others are doing stupid restrictive, crash diets and spending hours on the elliptical in attempt to tone up or lose weight. I feel bad for ya’ll. You’re horribly misinformed.
-I’m getting a butt back. I like it. Boyfriend likes it. Win-win.
Lastly, I am beginning to think clearly and rationally and be able to distinguish my voice from Ed’s voice. Although I feel very lost and quite yucky in my recovery body, I have realized that it is exactly that–a recovery body. This is not my permanent body. Bodies are not static–they are fluid. Once I am recovered I can exercise and eat healthy again (THE RIGHT WAY) and begin to feel more comfortable in a body that I am proud of. I’ll get there. But first I must embrace my water-retention Buddha belly, swollen feet and chubby cheeks.
In order to illustrate to you one of the more positive changes I have seen after just two weeks of 3,000 calories and NO EXERCISE… I present to you this:
Left: Taken around X-mas Time. 75 lbs. Sunken in eyes, visible cheekbones, nothing but skin and bones. Pretty sure I have a zit, too…also, you can literally see my entire jawbone.
Right: Taken today. Life in my eyes. More fat in my cheeks. Perfectly clear skin. No yellowy-tinge to my skin. Oh yeah, smiling.
I can’t say “recovery is worth it” because I do not know yet. However, I have a very good feeling that it will be.
It may be hard to see the positives of recovering when all I can focus on is how much and how quickly my body is changing, how full I am all the time, how much I feel like what I’m doing is so wrong…but when I step back and realize the aforementioned things…and I look at these pictures…I know I have to be doing the right thing, even if it’s the hardest thing I have ever done.