holding in coughs

You know when you get that feeling that you’re about to cough, but you’re in some sort of setting that could be disrupted by you doing so?

Crap, I’m just going to purse my lips super tight and hold it in. I can’t cough right now. Everyone in this room will turn and look at me thinking I have the plague. 

I’m sure you know what comes next. Inevitably, there is no way to actually suppress a cough, and the only way to get rid of it is to let it out. By now, you’re having a full-blown coughing attack–which is 9,000 times worse than the original little cough would have been.

I had a similar experience to that last night.

Tomorrow marks two weeks since I have started Minnie Maud and while I have had my fair share of difficulties, both mental and physical, I have been lucky to not have any sort of relapse or falling out as far as eating goes. I’ve had every meal and snack and remained sedentary. {Well, I wouldn’t say lucky, it’s been hell.} Regardless, it wasn’t anything that I couldn’t handle if I put every ounce of my mental capacity into it.

However, I am doing this alone…I haven’t even spoken to a therapist for about 6 months. (I finally got an appointment this Friday, thank goodness.) I don’t know anyone, other than my sister (who lives 200 miles away and sucks at texting), that can understand what I am going through. I have been keeping in all of my negative emotions besides the occasional “I feel fat” comment made to boyfriend.

I literally have these negative thoughts 23/7. The other hour is the few & fleeting minutes throughout the day where I start to see glimpses of freedom and a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. Thank goodness for those, because I probably wouldn’t be able to keep doing this if I wasn’t convinced I would be happier on the other side. But, 23:1 is still a pretty sucky ratio.

I feel disgusting in my body, I feel lazy, lost, sad, hopeless, unappealing, and I’m in pain all of the time.

I keep all these feelings in because I feel like no one I am close to cares or understands, and that they trivialize these issues that are so relevant and REAL to me. These things are not trivial to me. This is my life we’re talking about, and I feel like it’s in shambles.

Anyway, last night I felt particularly lost, weird, huge, scared, unsure and upset which led to massive anxiety. The first anxiety attack in about two weeks, but it was long and intense. For probably about two hours i switched from crying, to crippling anxiety, a full-blown panic attack, back to crying, repeat.

I ended up calling my mom which usually calms me down, but I was really in a bad place last night. Nothing helped. Eventually, I fell asleep, but was woken up countless times throughout the night by my thoughts and raging headache.

Feeling like a burden only intensifies my anxiety, and I certainly felt like one. Feel like one. Am one. I feel like it’s so selfish of me to be in a relationship right now, and that I should just wait until I am better to be in one. That way I’m not such an annoyance and a burden. I know that keeping feelings in isn’t good, but I probably won’t stop because there isn’t really another option.

Even when I do voice my problems to people that care about me it’s like I’m speaking a different language…no one understands, and no one really cares. I’m someone that likes to talk about feelings and vent, and I feel like I’m alone in that respect. No one I’m close to is that way. I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who hold in their coughs and can somehow avoid the attack to follow.

Long story short: it’s not good to hold in a cough if you really have to. You’ll just find yourself in a full-blown coughing attack surrounded by people that are disgusted and annoyed by all the noise you’re making.

On the flip side, maybe it’s okay to hold in that cough as long as you excuse yourself from wherever you are in order to have your coughing attack alone. At least you won’t be a burden.

{a.m.}

p.s. small steps & big breaths

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3 thoughts on “holding in coughs

  1. This is exactly how i feel being in a relationship. I often feel it’s not fair to my bf to go through this with me but he insists but I know it’s super tough! I feel ya.

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