weighing wednesday (literally)

Well, I got weighed today. Yep, I’ve gained weight. A lot, actually. Ten pounds in about ten days.

Granted, I know it’s mostly water/food weight because my belly is currently like a freaking waterbed and that’s just about the only place anything is going right now. Seriously, it’s a joke. I’m trying to remind myself that it’ll get better in a few months.

Honestly, I was shocked but proud. I feel like gaining the weight in a quick manner is akin to ripping off a band-aid: it’s fast, and although not painless (at all), it spares me from agonizing over every little pound and ounce and dragging out the process. I really would rather get this over with semi quickly so that I can just get it over with and let my body start adjusting.

I’m grateful to be back in school because it gives me something to focus on and (lots) to keep busy with so I don’t feed my anxiety as much. It’s been two weeks since I’ve done any kind of exercise apart from walking around campus, and while it is crucial for me to continue this until I’m weight stable it is still seriously messing with my brain. I feel crappy so I don’t even want to work out, but it was so much a part of my routine for months that it’s just weird now that it’s gone.

It didn’t make me want to restrict, or stop, or slow down when I saw that magical “88” on the paper. (Although, I was clothed with jeans, a shirt, sweater, and heavy knit scarf so I probably only gained about 8 pounds now that I think about it. Plus, I was full of two meals and a lot of whole milk.) It made me want to continue so that the weight gain will peak and then stabilize–so that I can get my body to trust me again. I’m not stopping with this. I have too much on the line and so many rooting for me.

Although I feel yucky and my body image has literally never been worse, I am generally happier in other aspects of my life. I know this is going to get harder before it gets easier and I’m prepared for that as much as I can be. I think?

Anyway, I have to finish up my newspaper article and some homework before goin’ to bed. I seriously can’t get over how squishy and water-filled my stomach is right now. It’s insane. It’s never looked like this before and it’s kind of hilarious although also completely uncomfortable and unsettling. Ugh, I have to push on. I have to do this! I can’t let any more of my life be ruined and wasted by living with this illness. I’m beginning to challenge my Ed thoughts and I’m doing well with it. I really am glad that my brain is starting to function properly and think rationally and clearly. Thanks, brain. You’re cool.

{a.m.} a.k.a. Buddha a.k.a. distended belly

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