this is the longest and least fun rollercoaster i’ve ever been on

I’m really frustrated with my constant changes in emotion. I’m either happy or extremely down on myself. This morning I am down on myself as my body image is in the trash and I’m in a lot of pain.

I have highs and lows but they are extreme highs and lows. It’s now been one whole week. I can’t even believe how noticeable the weight gain is after just one week…it’s scary.

I’m not saying I’m giving up, but it takes a huge pep talk to keep eating all my meals and snacks and reminding myself why I’m doing this. I have to revisit my lists multiple times a day, reflect on all my goals and reasons, and it honestly is getting exhausting doing the amount of mental work that I am. Not to mention the physical exhaustion, pain, and discomfort.

I’m not going to stop simply because I have committed to this and refuse to stop no matter how horrible I feel about myself. Even if I am repulsed by what I see in the mirror I’m going to keep going. And to be honest, I’m getting pretty close to repulsed.

I am so impatient with the redistribution process. It’s been a week and I find myself wishing my arms, thighs, knees, face, shoulders, butt, chest would fill out rather than just my stomach. Those of you without an ED don’t understand the mental barrier that is. It’s enough to make you hate yourself and want to stop. I’ll admit, after breakfast this morning I wanted to stop. But at this point there is no point in stopping because I have started to feel a bit better physically, and I don’t want to have to re-start this whole process later when I’m on my death bed.

One of the hardest things is not exercising. The Minnie Maud guidelines are: 1) 3,000 calories minimum a day (for someone under 25 and 6’0) 2) No exercise. 3) No scales, measuring, etc.

I’ve been following the guidelines and while they seem simple enough this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, without a doubt. I have a feeling it’s only going to get harder from here, and I just don’t know if I’m prepared to endure the self-hate that is inevitably going to come.

It’s hard enough to recover from an eating disorder, but when you’re doing it alone and you are surrounded by so many health-conscious weight & nutrition conscious people it makes it 50 times harder. I’m supposed to find someone that eats normally, enough and intuitively and try to mimic their behavior. I don’t have anyone like that in my life. My roommates do three-day fasts and juice cleanses monthly. The other people I spend time around all count macros, limit calories and work out excessively. I literally have no good example of “normal” and it’s the hardest thing on me.

I’m honestly so over this. My brain is tired. This is truthfully the most awful experience of my life, and upon reading that “full” remission takes at least 18 months I want to rip my hair out. I hate myself for ever becoming this way and I hate society for being so f***ed up and I hate that I will never be able to appreciate my stupid physical body–the body God gave me and the body that is merely a vehicle of my soul, talent, personality, etc. I just hate the way my brain is and hate everything about my situation.

I don’t even care that this post was so negative.

{a.m.}

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2 thoughts on “this is the longest and least fun rollercoaster i’ve ever been on

  1. I have been in the same situation with my friends and it really is a result of this culture. It was one of the hardest parts of my recovery, but what really helped me was surrounding myself with nutritional facts from my support team, so that if one of them tried to convince me to “eat healthy” with them, I could tell them what I’d learned. It really helps to fight the words from friends and peers with that advice from professionals who know what they’re talking about!
    This is an exhausting fight, I know. God loves you and he wants you to start recovering for a reason – he’s going to use you for such amazing things! And he’ll give you the strength to get through this, because that’s just how amazing he is. When you get tired, rest in him. Stay strong, I’ll be praying for you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I almost never commend in blogs, but you are doing so well, and I know it’s a struggle, but you really seem to be on the right path, and to have grasped this with both hands. I don’t even know you, but I really hope you can continue. You’re doing so well, and your progress is really impressive, and having these thoughts shouldn’t make you guilty- remember to keep doing what you know you need to do. Sometimes your mindset recovers first and then you feed your body, but it definitely goes the other way. If you keep doing the right actions, and healing and feeding yourself, your brain will eventually follow, especially once you start feeling physically better and stronger.
    I found you through a link-up and I wanted to tell you to keep your eyes open in that blogging world- a lot of that “health talk” you really don’t need at the moment. Having said that, there are also people there who provide shining examples of normal eating, and who I’ve turned to myself.

    Like

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