I met with my nutritionist this morning and was weighed. I was weighed only TWO days ago at my doctor’s appointment.
I have asked them not to mention numbers to me until I have reached the big 100. However, I do want to know if I lost, maintained or gained and need to because my meal plan will adjust based on that information.
Welp, I gained. (Since two days ago.) Which means I continue on this meal plan for another week. So long as I keep gaining on this amount, I don’t increase at all. Once I have reached a plateau then I will increase by a couple hundred calories. One part of me wants me to keep gaining on this amount so I don’t have to add MORE food, but another part would be relieved if I stopped because that means I can maintain on a high amount of calories.
Stupid calories. I wish I could just go about my day and eat whatever I want. My mind is much freer, but I can’t trust me hunger cues just yet, and my weight is so dangerously low that I have to be on a strict plan until I have gained a fair amount.
Tonight, for example: Jarrett is going out with his friends for dinner and while I actually want to go, I can’t. I have to know how much I am eating and eat at certain times and eat in a certain way. It sucks! Ugh, I just have to keep pushing through and gain weight so I can earn that freedom.
Aside from wanting to journal that, (if you haven’t noticed, I kind of am using this blog as a journal of my recovery experience…I want to look back and see how far I have come) I also wanted a distraction. Here I am with a four day break from school and I yearn for it to be Tuesday so I can go BACK to school…
I need more things to occupy me. I need to go get blood drawn right now, but obviously I’m pushing that off because I hate it. I’m on campus because I had a few things to print and I figured I would blog because I’m Annie.
I have a list of things to do when I’m feeling like I don’t know what to do with myself. An eating disorder is like a best friend, and once you have to get rid of it…to distance yourself from it…it’s like losing a close friend and integral part of your life. I know that sounds awful, but it’s so ridiculously true. I know this is a friendship that was dysfunctional and damaging, but it was a friendship nonetheless.
Anyway, I think I am going to go buy supplies to start an art project. I love art, and that is certainly something I can do to pass the time this weekend. Boyfriend also will probably need help studying, and now I have Oscar to play with! I have options. I just have to look for them. Most of them are stay-at-home-mom activities…but hey ain’t no shame in that one. Stay at home moms are champs.
I have a used desk sitting in boyfriend’s garage that I got off the side of the road so I could re-vamp it, so now may be the time to tackle that one.
I may even open an Etsy store. I’m all over the recovery & health blog-o-sphere so I might as well join in with the crafters as well.
I’m going to hit up my DIY Pinterest board (that I have thousands of things I’ve never even looked at or attempted) and pick a project, go get supplies, go get blood drawn, and get on with my evening of craftin’.
If anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them. Seriously. Ya girl is desperate. If there’s a project you want done, let me know and I will literally make it and mail it to you. I’m so generous. [Read: bored]
Maybe I’ll convince boyfriend to get pedicures this weekend, too. My feet hurt after all this sitting and eating. Sarcasm.