give me all the ben and jerrys

THINKING OUT LOUD POST #9,749

[disclaimer: I have no energy to read through this post so you are literally reading a draft. I’m gonna justify myself by saying I did it on purpose to show that imperfection is beauty, but I’m just lazy & exhausted.]

I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

And it is oh-so-ironic, because I was NEVER tired during my ED–quite the opposite. I was a constant ball of energy (though it was false–a starvation high) and I didn’t sleep. Like…ever.

It’s been three days of not exercising and eating recovery amounts and I am freaking exhausted. From nothing. From sitting. From being in class, from sitting at home, from doing absolutely NOTHING.

I know this is totally normal as my body is so out of whack and so focused on fixing itself that there is no energy left for me to feel. It’s a good thing–it’s a sign that all of this food is going toward repair and healing me.

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, and yes I gained. I don’t know how much and I do not care, and quite frankly I am not upset because I know that this is the goal. However, I also found out the results of my DEXA scan and they showed that I am essentially osteoporotic. I’m .01 away from it (it’s a scale that I don’t feel like explaining), and thank goodness I am turning things around now because it is totally reversible–if I do this right and stick with it. I knew I would probably have osteopenia (early signs of osteoporosis) but I had NO IDEA it would be so severe. How I haven’t broken any bones is beyond me.

Hearing that gave me even more motivation to get my butt in gear. (and get my butt back…SORRY I COULDN’T RESIST I had to)

Anyway, I’m currently in class eating my snacks and not paying attention to this movie we are watching because my brain is so foggy and tired. Also, this is a really depressing movie (Crash) and why the crap would I want to feel like poop after leaving this class?

I feel like life is sort of happening around me but I’m not participating in it. I hate that. Ed is taunting me, telling me that I was happier and more present when I didn’t eat as much. Well, I know that once I get past this most difficult and rough patch of recovery that I will begin to become myself again and feel normal.

I have accepted that I will have to essentially isolate myself socially (besides school) for the most part for the next few weeks and maybe even months.

This is hard for an extrovert to accept. This is very hard for me to accept, but I have to keep on this path to recovery and I will do whatever it takes. It’s school, eat, sleep. Also doctor, nutritionist, therapy appointments. Those are my jobs. Eating is my occupation right now. Everyone saying you are jealous..NOOO YOU ARE NOT. Food doesn’t even taste good to me right now. I’m food comatose all the time. I shouldn’t even be going to school during this period…but I am, so I will have to really stay focused on my eating.

(If you’re a close friend reading this, please understand this! I really have to buckle down so I can get my health back and be able to do crazy shenanigans with you again.)

I also have realized that I’m cursed with a ferociously fast metabolism and that I’m going to probably have to increase every week. I have a good feeling I’m going to be one of those 5000 calorie gainers. UGH. I’m literally cursing my genes right now. Speaking of jeans, those are out of the question for now. Leggings are pants and everyone that does not agree I will hurt you. Just kidding, I’ll hug you. I like hugs. But leggings are pants. Case closed.

12th tangent: Ensures are so expensive. Like 6 for 20 dollars expensive…and when you need like three a day, that adds up real quick. ALSO can someone tell me why I opted to try the “Butter Pecan” flavor? It tastes like wrinkly old people and retirement home. Don’t ask how I know what that’s like. I don’t. I do. What? My brain is hazy. Don’t mind me.

This morning I spent like 60 bucks at Walmart solely on pints of Ben & Jerry’s. I plan on eating a pint almost every night because they are like 1200 calories each and pretty small. Even pre-ed I never ate a whole freaking pint of ice cream–let alone every night. I’m literally crossing off & rating all the flavors as I try them. I will become a Ben & Jerry’s connoisseur.

Okay, I just realized how dry and personality-less (not a word, moving on) this post was. Like I said, I feel like life is happening around me and I’m not participating in it.

OH and I had a dream last night I was wearing a tuxedo, eating a big bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I woke up laughing because it made me happy that I can do that now. (The Fruity Pebbles…I really can’t speak on why I was wearing a tuxedo..) I’m allowed to. Unfortunately, I probably won’t for now because I would have to eat like 6 boxes in order to reach my calorie goal for a meal and that’s a little extensive. Once I get around to maintenance calories, you better believe Fruity Pebbles are happening. Maybe I’ll rent a tux too.

For now, peanut butter, granola, ensures, shakes, ice cream, butter, (I have used a whole tub of butter in two days. I kid you not.) nuts, Builder Bars, oil, etc. are all my best friends. I would rather just get in the calories fast rather than trying to eat clean and crap like what is that even? Why are people in recovery trying to hit macros and limit sugar and carbs? That’s disordered. Eat whatever you want, eat all the fats (shiny hair-clear skin-strong nails-PERIOD) and make sure you reach your minimum.

Oh, did I mention I’m lactose intolerant? Yeah. So there’s that. I would add whole milk to that list but quite frankly I am not trying to have to wear diapers around campus. Sorry not sorry for that TMI.

I’m also sweating like a pig all the time, especially at night. Boyfriend says that pigs don’t sweat, but like why would that even be a saying if they didn’t? Duh.

And I have quite the headache today. I’m also quite shaky and feverish, and I’m pretty sure my veins are about to pop out of my skin. WOO HOO! Fun.

I realize this post has been a lot of me complaining about the re-feeding stage and this first part of recovering. It’s going to be hard–really hard–for the next few weeks, but I know that it will get easier.

I assure you that even though this was not my usual upbeat, optimistic, positive post that I am not going to quit this. Nope. N O P E. I may get really upset, anxious, full, bloated, sweaty and feel like utter SHIZ, but none of those things will ever stop me from physically doing what I need to. The mental will come. All in good time. (But if you could hurry up I would really appreciate it, thanks brain.)

Side note: (Okay, this whole post has been a series of side notes but whatever) I have cut coffee out of my diet completely because of it’s tendency to make me feel full. I literally hated coffee pre-ed and only “fell in love with it” because of its ability to trick my mind. Well, it would be pointless for me to drink now because there are no calories in it and it fills me up. I don’t really plan on ever reintroducing it into my diet. I got a chocolate smoothie from Starbucks today and that was way, way better anyway.

I feel so funny right now. I just feel so out of it and weird. I can’t help but laugh at myself, and all the awful symptoms I am experiencing…

I haven’t done any body checking in three days (and I honestly think that was the best decision ever to force myself to stop–out of sight, out of mine) BUT last night I was getting into the shower and I caught a glimpse of my Buddha belly in the mirror. Instead of cringing, I literally laughed out loud. And that’s going to be a regular thing. When I want to cry, I’ll laugh. Finding the humor in this situation is going to be crucial to me. Plus, it’ll help me rediscover myself. BECAUSE I’M FUNNY. AND HUMBLE.

LAST THING, I PROMISE.

My blog is titled “Be Vulnerable; Have Joy” as you all clearly know. When I first started this blog about five months ago I came up with that name because I wanted to start opening up to whoever was interested in listening. I was reflecting on that earlier (in class, of course, because I can’t focus at all) and I have to say…being vulnerable really does bring joy.

Yes, staying stuck in the numb and lifeless state that is an eating disorder might seem like the best way to avoid life’s struggles, but it also eliminates the opportunity to experience anything. Being vulnerable is about taking that leap of faith and accepting myself enough to keep moving forward. It’s saying “IDGAF” and pouring my heart out so that there is no chance of me feeling held back.
If someone is going to judge me, at least they are judging the real facts and not rumors or notions. And I don’t even care if there are people out there sick of me documenting my journey…I don’t care if people think I crave attention of justification because that’s not why I do this! I do this for me, and I do this for those who need help and encouragement in their recovery. For those that know someone. And everyone knows someone.
Those that love me are there for me no matter what, and that’s honestly all that matters.
Not only my eating disorder–being vulnerable and open and honest about everything in my life has truly brought me joy and peace. I am at peace despite the chaos right now. All of that is because I have made myself vulnerable.
{a.m.}
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult
as spending our lives running from it.
Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky
but not nearly as dangerous as giving up
on love and belonging and joy—
the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. 
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness
will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
-Brené Brown

 

 

 

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