Good morning! This morning I woke up, ate my first breakfast, got ready, and headed to an interview for a receptionist position at a large corporation about 10 minutes from where I live.
It was like, a LEGIT interview…I mean, I’ve had countless jobs before but never such a professional one! It went really well, and the boss even told me he could see me as the face of the company (!!) but there are 20 others interviewing for the position and I’m not even sure if I want to add full-time job to my already chaotic life…but we shall cross that bridge when we come to it!
Anyway, I came home and whipped up breakfast number two!
I have realized that I’m going to have to start getting up pretty early in order to have enough time to space my food out throughout the day. I’m okay with that. Truth be told, I LOVE early mornings before anyone is awake and the world is quiet. Ed told me I didn’t, because that meant more time to be awake and avoid food. Stupid Ed.
It’s 10:30 and I’ve already consumed 800 calories today! Granola is going to be one of my best friends. (I’ve kind of accepted that I have to give up vegetables for a while because you have to eat way too many in order to reach my calorie goal. So sad. More donuts for me.)
I have class at 1:30 so lunch will be around 12:30 and then I’m bringing three snacks to have throughout the duration of my 4 hour class. Then dinner, then night snack…food, food, food.
Yesterday I hit my calorie goal and I’m proud. Now, I’ve hit my calorie goal before, but yesterday was different for a few reasons:
1) I hit my goal with no intentions to restrict today or any other day in the future to compensate for that. No no, I’m going to continue hitting my goal every day so that my body trusts me again and redistributes the weight over time. (Current status: cotton ball with toothpicks aka 6 mos. pregnant all the time)
2) I felt gross, yeah…but I also knew in my heart and even my brain that what I’m doing is right. No question about it–I have to do this.
3) And probably the biggest..I didn’t exercise. At all. In fact…
I’ve been in denial about this, but a couple of months ago Jarrett bought me a gym membership and we had been lifting a few days a week. He had no idea so he was not enabling me, but I knew it was wrong. I had him convinced that lifting was fine so long as I didn’t do cardio. Honestly, I probably would have been fine just lifting a few days a week. The problem was not that–it was that I would also go to the gym alone and run. Anywhere from 1-3 miles a day. And that was killing me.
I texted Jarrett yesterday and asked him to cancel the membership. Yesterday morning I intended on still lifting, but I would not run anymore…however, I had a moment of clarity while in class and realized that I needed to do this. Cancel it. No chance. No. No gym. No.
That’s not the recovery mindset. A lot of people try to recover by “lean bulking” and staying fit, etc. That’s not recovery. Recovery is letting your body do it’s thing, repair, trust you again, and heal. The goal of recovery is to not care what your body looks like. Are you truly recovering if you are still working at making your body look a certain way? Are you truly recovering if you are trying to only gain muscle (which, by the way, is impossible…you must gain fat to gain muscle, and in recovery you need to gain fat anyway) I do not think so. I think I can cross the exercise bridge when I get there, and I think that I have a long way and a lot of weight to gain before that will be possible. I also have a period to get back, and I know that body fat has to be AT LEAST 10%, preferably around 20% for that to happen. I’m far from that, but I’ll get there.
You know what? I feel a lot of relief and a lot of comfort in ceasing to exercise. While I also feel extreme anxiety, I always felt that I had to exercise for x minutes or burn x calories in order to feel good about myself. I was convinced that rest days weren’t necessary…well, Ed was. I used to build my days around avoiding food and making sure I got to the gym. That leaves little time for anything else once you add in school and other obligations.
Now I have time to do things I really want to do. I am going to start doing a lot more art projects, writing, reading, vlogging, baking…living, really. For so long I did things I did not enjoy and did not do the things that I do enjoy. For so long I convinced myself of so many things that were so untrue but I believed them to be so true. Not anymore.
Annie really does love exercise. She loved it pre-ed but that was because she did it in a healthy way and was properly fueled. I will get there again–my ultimate goal is to run a half marathon. But slowwww down…I’m far from that. But I’ll get there, I will. This break from exercise is life or death for me, because my body is so, so broken down. It is also mentally necessary–I need to see that not exercising won’t kill me. (Quite the opposite.)
I may feel like a lazy blob of poop, but at least I’m a lazy blob of poop that isn’t dying. I’m moving in the opposite direction, and in the moment I am content.
I cannot explain how grateful I am that God has opened my eyes long enough for me to see what needed to be done. I am 100% sure that I would not have been able to consciously make the choice to fully recover without Him. Physically, mentally, emotionally…I was not strong enough. It’s been a day and a half of resting and eating recovery amounts and I swear to you that my brain is already healing. I am already seeing the light (not the death light…the good, bright side light) at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like I was cast with a spell that suddenly made me “okay” with recovery. I don’t know how to explain it. Two days ago I had accepted that I would live with this disease forever and that I was fine with dying from it. I literally remember thinking “I’m just going to keep doing this for as long as it takes to kill me because I am not strong enough nor do I want to recover.”
Today, my mindset couldn’t be farther from that. I’m on the right path and while I know there will be major bumps, turns, and diversions I know that I will get there.
Thanks for reading my rambling. And if you’re in recovery, as I know many of my followers are…please stop exercising. Completely. Cold turkey, if you can (and you can). No amount of compensation from extra food will help. Your body is DESTROYED and could fail on you at any moment. Don’t add to the damage. Sit. Breathe. Eat. Heal! Watch Netflix. I’m not a fan of TV but I know that 99% of the population has a Netflix fetish. Granted, I don’t understand it…but maybe one day I’ll get hooked.