What a concept.
Alright, that’s probably enough passive-aggressive memes for one post.
My New Years Eve was far from eventful. It consisted of all you can eat sushi with Jarrett, coming home and cleaning the house that the dogs destroyed with their tracked-in-from-the-snowy-outdoors dirt, and reading a book for my Wintermester class while Jarrett slept from 10:00-11:59 when I woke him up to let him know what time it was. (He was thrilled.) (Just kidding.) (The house could’ve been on fire and he still wouldn’t have moved.)
My night also was accompanied by about a three hour long panic attack and ZERO sleep. I had a lot going on in my head last night, and it wasn’t positive brain activity…that’s for sure.
It’s January 1st, and although I’m not sold on the idea of resolutions as I mentioned before I do want to make some changes in my life as whole regarding my perception and attitude toward myself and life in general.
This little template, courtesy of Fitting it all In is helping me gather my scattered thoughts and think about what I truly want from my life. Not just this year, but for years to come.
I will be more honest with myself. This goes for recovery and in all other aspects of life. I have myself convinced that I like doing certain things, when in reality I do them because I am forcing myself. I’m scared to break routine. I lie to myself a lot. That needs to stop.
I will do less criticizing myself. Never do I ever look at someone else and wish I could change things about them–I genuinely am good at finding good in everyone I meet, yet I cannot do the same for myself. I am so, so, SO brutally vicious and malicious toward myself and it makes me sick. I need to find some way to lessen this.
I will focus on my recovery. The reality of it is recovery has to come first above everything else, or else it will come last and ultimately I will fail. It takes so much energy, time, self-motivation, (food), and willpower to recover. I’ve made progress but I am at a standstill. I need to put more energy into getting my life back, so that I can put energy into building my life.
I want to feel content. Happy, of course…but content. I want to lay down at night and not be ridden with anxiety and pent-up worry, frustration, hatred toward myself, and negative feelings. I want to focus on the present and what I can do to make the world a better place along with doing things I truly enjoy and care about. I want to feel loved, and I want to love.
One thing I want to accomplish is graduating college! While this isn’t for a good 11 months, it still is happening this year and will take a lot of work to achieve. Graduating in 3 1/2 years is not the easiest thing on the planet, and I have literally busted my butt to get where I am academically right now. Well, not literally. My butt is still very much in tact. (And growing, I hope.) But I have put school above many other areas of my life for the past three years, and I intend on having something to show for it. I want to prove to myself that I can do hard things, because myself doesn’t seem to agree with myself that I can, in fact, do hard things. (Make sense? No? Okay.)
In years past I have made it a goal to “write in a journal every day” or “write 1000 words a day” and other far-fetched dreams such as that, and I literally never make it to the end of the year with those ones. I decided that this year I am going to write one sentence a day about something I am grateful for that day, or something that makes me happy, or something that I did that day that made me happy. I’m going to dedicate a book to solely these sentences, and no negativity is allowed. This is a much more attainable goal, I think.
So all-in-all, I am not fond of the “new year, new me!” idea and almost want to throw my phone in the busy streets due to the amount of social media posts that contain some arrangement of those words…but I do NEED to make some changes for my health, well-being, future, and sanity. The fact that it’s January first is just a coincidence, okay?! Okay. Just clearing things up.
Oh, I want to add in that I want to spend more time with friends. I was a lot happier when I used to hang out with friends every day, and now that I don’t do that as much I find myself missing my friends SO much.
*Shout out to my best friend Gareth who texted me last night, mid panic-attack, and told me he loved me and is going to come visit me. MADE MY LIFE, GARY. MADE MY LIFE.*