{on christmas eve, potatoes, feeling lardy, & a mini-rant}

I’m alive I swear! I just haven’t had the time to sit down and blog. It’s Christmas Eve!

In a couple hours we’re having all the family over plus some extended family to do our big turkey dinner tonight (which means leftovers tomorrow. YAY. POTATOES.)

I’ve pretty much fallen off the 100 days of happiness wagon {meh} but I’ll hop back on once I am back in Reno and actually have a laptop to use. Ironically enough I do not have a laptop, even though writing is basically my life and occupation right now..

I’ve had a rough couple of days mentally as I have abstained from exercising at all and have been eating recovery amounts. It’s hard. And it’s hard when people don’t believe that I am eating and trying simply because my weight gain hasn’t started to show to anyone but me. Trust me, it’s sitting in my belly. I’ve just been using baggy shirts and sweaters to my advantage. Hopefully soon my bird legs will transform into at least chicken legs.

My dad told me he spoke with a specialist who thought I should be hospitalized based on my BMI and such. That was a real eye-opener to me and I’m using that one thing as a motivation to eat eat eat right now, no matter how horrible I feel. I feel pretty gross about myself, I won’t lie.

But this has to happen. I can’t let this be the thing that kills me, or holds me back from doing what I want to do any longer. I’m gonna kick this bony disease to the curb.

It’s hard being sedentary all the time. I feel like blubber. I am restless.

Rant:

It’s also hard seeing the way my loved ones look at me all the time…all the hushed conversations that take place about me…all the emptiness that people show me because for whatever reason I am not worthy of people just treating me NORMALLY anymore.

It’s like everyone walks on thin ice, and everyone has to point out how thin I am. Does anyone realize I’m trying to teach myself that my identity is not my disease? Isn’t redirecting every single statement I make back to my disease kind of doing the opposite? Odd. I really wish people would educate themselves.

I’m trying to focus on my accomplishments and personality traits rather than anything ED related, yet that is all people see when they look at me so none of those other things matter to them. It’s rough trying to convince yourself you’re rad when no no one else agrees because “I’m so skinny.” 

Guess what: I was a person before all of this, and I still am. I still have feelings though they may be different, distorted and skewed at the moment. I still get hurt, and it really hurts when people that want me to get better ironically can’t acknowledge anything else about my being rather than my appearance. Do you get why this is so hard? Educate yourself, please.

Help me get ME back. Help me forget my ED. Don’t allow me to dwell on it any more than I already do…if that’s possible. Just leave it out of every conversation, please. I’m trying. You reminding me isn’t helping. I’m trying to be normal. You’re making that impossible.

Rant over.

This post is really, really, REALLY a huge lifesaver for me right now.

I hate seeing all the “avoid this” and “sneak in exercise by doing this” and “don’t indulge this season because you’ll get fat” messages that are everywhere. I have to remind myself that THOSE AREN’T FOR ME. I need to do the opposite right now, because THAT is healthy for me. Healing is healthy, dying isn’t…

My rational brain is pretty cool. If only I could kick my other brain to curb for good.

{again, I wrote this in under five minutes so I am aware is sucks and probably has countless mistakes.}

Merry Christmas everyone, and have a lovely relaxing couple of days with family, friends or wherever you may be. And remember that there are people, whether you are aware or not, who are struggling with stress regarding eating around the holidays. Don’t make comments…don’t say anything about food unless you’re saying HOW GOOD IT IS. No “I shouldn’t eat that” or “no carbs for me” or “are you really eating that?” or “why won’t you eat that?” … just shut up and eat.

{a.m.}

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