{ day 8: the power of nature }

This morning I woke up with a body image that was essentially in the trash. I wanted so badly to restrict, but somehow my logical brain and {mostly} my extreme hunger allowed me to eat. And I ate. I ate 2000 calories before it was even 11 o’clock…the fact that I had eaten a normal BOY’S amount of food in the two hours that I was awake made me feel like a fat piece of blubber.

Needless to say, my body image was then in the gutter– maybe even underground, 20 feet, rotting with the corpses. {I know corpses are 6 feet under shut up} I hated myself. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

I’m so sick of these days, and of basing my happiness and self-worth on ABS. Gosh. It literally makes me so mad.

I’ve gained 6 lbs since coming home. Six.

Before I go into more detail about how I have been feeling, I’ll change up the mood and just say I’m so thankful for nature.

I was feeling awful, triggered, and utterly hopeless. I was feeling trapped in this ED forever. I was having awful thoughts that no twenty year old girl should ever have, and I would never wish anyone to have a brain transplant with me. {Good thing that’s not even possible}

I took Oscar on a walk. A long walk–it took probably 80 minutes because I didn’t really realize how far I had gone until noticing that I was probably two miles from my house and would have to walk back. Ooops.

Anyway, the walk helped clear my head. It was cold out which normally I despise, but for some reason it felt good. It even rained for a bit. Regardless, I was still thinking and having horrible thoughts throughout the whole walk…but it certainly cleared my head a good amount.

I also got to go my best friend’s little Christmas party today for a bit and was able to just relax for a second and try to get my mind off of everything.

Now it’s about 8, I’ve had dinner despite my overwhelming hatred toward my body, and I’m waiting for my sister to return home so we can go look at Christmas lights.

Oscar says hi, by the way.

So–today I choose nature. It’s a powerful thing. Feelings can change and diminish and bloom and do all sorts of crazy things once you come in contact with nature. For me, taking that walk was exactly what I needed today, and I’ll probably do it again tomorrow.

Also, as I vented to Jarrett about how the weight is finally coming and it’s coming fast–too fast–he reminded me that I might as well get it done fast than draw it out. I hate to admit it, but he’s right. Might as well just do it and let it start redistributing so I can stop feeling like a marshmallow with four pretzel sticks coming out of it.

{seriously…please make your way to my butt, extra fat}

Ope, I think my sister is home. I’m going to go look at lights and then probably just come home and sleep and hope and pray that tomorrow is better. I sure hope it gets better. Today was up there in the toughest days mentally so far-maybe even the worst.

{side note: I wrote this in under four minutes so don’t judge if it sucks and/or makes zero sense k thannnks}

{a.m.}

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