Day 4 & 5: Big Sweaters & New Days

Hello there! I missed my Day 4 post yesterday because after my appointment in Reno I drove home to California and never had a chance to blog yesterday. I brought my laptop home, but I haven’t turned it on in approximately 4 months because it’s the slowest, oldest thing on the planet. I’m currently using my mom’s desktop computer which is 9000x faster.

For day four, I chose big sweaters. Big sweaters make me happy because 1) they’re freaking COMFY, 2) I’m currently always bloated and not keen on wearing tight shirts and 3) they’re my favorite to wear with leggings and I must say I have the “effortless hobo” look down to a science.

I like big sweaters.

Today is day 5, and I definitely choose the concept of every day being a new day–a fresh start.

As I mentioned earlier, I drove home yesterday and I will be here for about ten days. This scares me, because being home is actually a pretty big trigger for me.

Immediately when I get home I am always overwhelmed by all of the food, and inevitably I always binge. (~10,000 calories in one sitting/standing on top of my actual intake that day) Usually this happens four or five nights until I finally get it together.

It happened last night big time, and I’m thankful that today is a new day because I was very down in the dumps last night. I couldn’t move, I was in immense pain, my brain hated me, I felt worthless and awful. Luckily my sister Jessica came home and distracted me with a little MK&A (Mary-Kate and Ashley, duh) movie that we used to be obsessed with. Wonderfully cheesy.

Today I still am feeling pretty sick from last night, and needless to say my big sweater is coming in clutch. But it’s a new day, and I vow to not let this happen again for the remainder of my time spent at home. I woke up and ate a big breakfast and lunch, and hopefully I can continue controlling myself.

I talked to my dad about it last night and though everyone I tell seems to think this is a “good” thing, my dad realizes that it’s not good for my mental health and is only masking problems. He told me, “mind over matter.” At first I got mad because IT’S NOT THAT EASY, DAD. But then I let it sink in, and of course I have repeated that to myself a few times today. Dang it, dad. Stop being a genius.

It’s pretty embarrassing to talk about for me, especially because most do not believe me when I tell them that these binges do happen semi-often for me. Most people look at my size and assume I don’t eat. Holy crap–I can eat. Let me tell you. But to be in a mindless trance–eating anything and everything even though you are so unbearably full–that is an actual problem. It’s not overeating. It’s a real thing…it’s binge eating. It’s a mental thing..you don’t just “binge” on Thanksgiving, a day set aside for overeating. No, no, no. It’s an illness and currently my eating disorder is going through stages. Orthorexia not so strong lately–but BED comin’ in hot.

I’m loving the weather here. It’s rainy! Not snowy! And not that cold! How perfect. Hopefully it will let up a bit so I can walk my dog…he’s bored, laying around all day while I am out and about doing things.

I really need to finish Christmas card making for my family, and later today my best friend and I are going shopping. I’m also supposed to go shopping with one of my older sisters tonight, so that’ll be fun too. I just reminded myself to schedule my hair appointment, too! And order books for winter semester! Things to do, things to do.

I’ve been stuck in this rut of being super positive and hopeful during the day and having it all come crashing down at night. I’m doing my best to get out of it, but it’s getting hard.

Well, I believe that’s all for now. Christmas is in 8 days, yay! Which means Christmas Eve is only a week from today. I just realized that this is the longest I’ve been from home in a long time. I already miss Jarrett and Reno, and it’s been less than 24 hours.

I’m really getting into the Christmas spirit this year because it makes me HAPPY and giddy and it helps to focus on the true meaning of Christmas. The cookies and egg nog are certainly a bonus.

{a.m.}

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3 thoughts on “Day 4 & 5: Big Sweaters & New Days

  1. I love big sweaters and new days too! And you are not alone on this binging at home thing- I get really overwhelmed by all the new food that I am around and usually binge the first day or two! I hate it and it feels so inevitable!! Here’s to mind over matter for both of us 🙂

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  2. These binges are a part of your body trying desperately to get food and recover. The thing is, BED and restrictive eating disorders are on complete opposite sides of the mental spectrum and it’s basically impossible for someone with a restrictive eating disorder to get BED. What you’re experiencing is commonly known as extreme hunger, where your body (cells) are just extremely starved, so it’s trying to get you to eat as much as possible but your digestive system is so extremely sluggish that it cannot process everything quickly enough. What happens is that you just eat and eat and eat even when you’re painfully full because your digestion can’t keep up with your hunger. I definitely went through that a LOT during my early recovery. At first during pseudo-recovery, I remember just eating heads and heads of broccoli because I was terrified of calories but could not stop eating, but eventually when I really recovered, there were plenty of days when I ate well over 14,000 calories. But it’s a good thing to eat and a sign that your body is still starving. Now, I realize that I do tend to get more hungry during my period because it’s actually quite taxing on the body and so my body needs more energy and automatically tells me that, and thus I eat more.
    I know it’s hard and so mentally stressful and anxiety-inducing, but it will end as long as you keep fighting along! You’re strong, girl. You got this 🙂

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    1. Wow, thank you so much! I am familiar with extreme hunger but totally ruled it out for whatever dumb reason, even though i know logically i do not have BED. I didnt get anorexia overnight and certainly the same goes for BED. Thanks, this was helpful 🙂 hopefully things get back to normal in time.

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